Saving a Long Distance Relationship

November 1, 2010 by
Filed under: Long Distance Breakup 

Is your long distance relationship falling apart? Do you want to know if you can save your long-distance relationship and get your partner back? This email comes from a woman who lost her long distance relationship partner. He is already dating another woman and his ex wants to know if she can have a chance at getting him back. Read this email she shared with me and my subscribers and my response. If you are going through a breakup from your long distance partner you probably have the same questions this woman has.

I was dating the most incredible man in the world for over a year, and then things started to fall apart.  We were involved in a long distance relationship, and in the end he said that he just felt like we were living in a movie when we actually got to be together.  We had made plans for me to move out to California within the next year so we could be closer together, but he broke up with me before I could make that move.

He said that he could feel things falling apart and could feel himself pulling away (which I could, too) and that he didn’t want to prolong the hurt.  We were over, but he wanted to remain friends.  I waited over a month after the breakup to contact him, and then the only reason I did is because I found out I have cancer (treatable).  I’ve talked to him a handful of times since we split, mostly to keep him updated as he requested and to see how he is doing.

I made plans to fly out to California to participate in a graduate admissions interview at UCLA and contacted him about my being out there… I’ve only been there a few times and we did things he thought would be fun.  I don’t know my way around the city and since we are supposed to be friends, I asked him if he would mind playing tour guide again.  We agreed that we would spend the 3 days I was out there together…  Then, 2 things happened on the same day.  First, I had to change my travel plans – postpone them a month so I could have another surgery (this time hopefully removing the rest of the cancer). 

THEN, I found out through myspace that he is casually dating someone.  I sent him a message through myspace and said “Hey, how’s it going?  My status feed shows that you’ve recently updated your relationship status to reflect you are in a relationship.  Are you seeing someone?”  The response I got from him was “me and a friend were talking on Friday and decided to start going out and see how it goes, so yes, I am currently.”  My response was simply “best of luck.”

I will be going out there in about a month’s time for my admissions interview and he said that we would talk closer to that time to see if it would still work with his work schedule for us to hang out (which I totally understand, because I’m not going to expect that he take off work for me again after I had to change my plans.

I’m just really confused… I know that it’s probably a good thing that he has a rebound girlfriend, but it’s making me doubt if we will be able to work things out and get back together.  We were talking about getting married a few months ago, and all I keep wondering is how did it go from great to nothing in 3 weeks time?  I love him more than I thought it was possible to love another person, and if this is what makes him happy, then so be it, but I’d like to know if I have a chance to fix things between us.

I’m scheduled for surgery this coming Thursday.  He hasn’t called me after any of my surgeries, instead waits for me to call him with an update (he says that he doesn’t want to bother me while I’m healing) but I would really like it if he called me once in a while to ask how I was doing…   Should I call him when I get home from the hospital like I have been?  I don’t want to make any more mistakes that could damage the tentative friendship we have any more than it has been already.

I really have so much going on right now that I feel like I’m falling apart…  Please help!  My friends mean well, but using my disease to guilt him into a relationship with me is NOT an option for me.  Like I said before, if friendship is the only relationship I can have with him, I will force myself to be ok with that as long as it is what makes him happy…

I’m so sorry that this turned into a novella!  I hope that you have the time to read and respond to my email, because I feel like I’m about 45 seconds from drowning with all the garbage that is going on in my life.

Angela

Hi Angela,

Unfortunately, your long distance relationship did not survive the test of time. It is a lot easier to keep a long distance relationship than to save it once it’s broken. In my guide Long Distance Relationship Advice I teach couples how to keep their relationships and how to deal with a break up to have the best chances of getting your long distance partner back. But it is like fighting an uphill battle because it’s always easier to keep what you got than to fix what you’ve lost.

In your situation you definitely should not interfere with his new relationships. This would make you look like a stalker. And why do you assume that this relationship is a rebound relationship? In a rebound relationship there is a break up that takes place first. You are saying you were taking about moving in together and getting married. I do not see any break up going on here on your part.

In a rebound relationship you would have to dump your boyfriend first. Then, he would in turn find a new relationship to get over you. Since he was the one breaking up with you, his new relationship is not a rebound relationship. With that said I would definitely stop bothering him and let him do what he wants. If this relationship doesn’t work out, I outline a plan of action in my Long Distance Relationship Guide but unfortunately at this point you have to just wait and see, or you have another option which is to move on. It is now your choice.

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Comments

One Comment on Saving a Long Distance Relationship

  1. veterinary on Wed, 17th Nov 2010 5:22 am
  2. It’s really a nice and helpful piece of information. I’m glad that you shared this helpful info with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thanks for sharing.

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